Category Archives: Humour

I was having problems with my work computer so I called my IT guy and he was like, “You really need to stop calling me when I’m at school, Mom.”

Why drive 7 minutes when I can spend an extra $47 to have the food delivered to my doorstep?

Dear school: I have the energy to put effort into a costume for my kid once a year and that’s October 31st. So stop asking me to dress her up as an old person, a book character, her future career, or anything else. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack, if you’re missing something let me know because it was definitely in there.

No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.

Establish dominance by replying to your kid’s “Knock knock” joke with “Door’s open.”

My 5yo told me I hurt her feelings cause I wouldn’t let her have a popsicle for dinner and then said she’ll “never be happy again” and her tears will “never be gone” and I deserve an academy award for not laughing at this level of drama.

I adore my dog, but I respect my cat. A dog is like a happy, dependent toddler. A cat is a tiny god that lives in your apartment.

There are two types of mom friends: those who text after 8 PM and those who text before 8 AM.

The pup tasted very expensive raw frozen goat milk ONCE at the suggestion of a local pet store clerk and now he won’t eat unless he gets a little dollop of it on top like he’s being served pie a la mode…Fauntleroy behaviour.

The day I’ve longed for since the FIRST DAY I became a parent is finally here!!!my daughter is old enough to go get me stuff from the other room.

There’s things about having pets and children no one ever warned me about. Like the cat crawling into the dishwasher and riding the empty lower dishwasher tray out of the dishwasher across the kitchen floor.

Tried to complain to my mom about the difficulties of raising a stubborn child and her eyes rolled so far back in her head I don’t think they’re ever coming back.

This morning I sat up from a laying down position and my two year old yelled, “You did it!”

My daughter can’t find her glasses, her shoes, or her backpack, but she can spot a sliver of onion in a bowl of rice from 10 feet away.

A good dad earns his stripes early by learning the baby’s cues. Like that cry they make while taking a bottle means they want their mommy. And that cry when they can’t sleep means they want their mommy. And that cry … you get the point.

The greatest phenomenon in parenting is how there are 18 hours between dinner and bedtime.

No parenting book can prepare you for when your 3 yr old literally sticks her finger in your nostril and says, “Hey mom, smell this!”

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids. Marriage is easy.

Raise an independent female so she can scream “my body, my choice” when you tell her to wash her hair during bath time.

Asked a bunch of rival dads if anyone wanted to go hiking with me tomorrow morning at 5. Of course they all said no. I’m not going hiking either but they don’t have to know that.

You either have a kid who never wants to shower or a kid who takes hour long showers every day. There is no in between.

If I ever want to hear about all the injustice in the world, I just ask my 12 year old to clear the table after dinner.

Whenever looking upon my sleeping kids, I imagine them growing up to make a difference in the world. Which is incredible since they use bed rails to stop from falling on their faces in the middle of the night.

My youngest boy fell over and cried and my daughter told him to stop behaving like he’s 4 and a half. They’re both 5.

My dog sighs a lot for somebody who doesn’t contribute to this house or know what a government is.

Stop Screaming! I screamed, in my gentlest parenting screaming voice.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions.

My favourite game to play at 1am is Why Is My Cat Wet.

A big thank you to all the kids who gave my son Valentine’s Day candy. I really enjoyed it!

The older I get, the more I feel everything my mom/grandmother used to say to me as a kid. Like not making extra stops on the way home. And watching your shows in peace. I tell my dog all the time “don’t come in here with all that noise”.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese? Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese. Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car.

4: Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese!

By age 30 you should have 7 gmail accounts, 4 inactive side twitters, an abandoned fanfiction dot net account, and an instagram with 2 pictures of your cat.

I jokingly asked my toddler where her off button is and she’s been walking around the house looking for it for the last 15 minutes, and now I’m mad at myself for not having thought of this sooner.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a romantic Valentine’s dinner we can all fight about 5th grade math homework and have macaroni and cheese again.

Here are the initial survey questions. Please answer them accurately and honestly.

• Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
• Do you suffer from shyness?
• Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS: 

• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you feel may benefit!

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz .

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went.” – Will Rogers

“Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people that they don’t like.” – Will Rogers

“There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by readin’. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.” – Will Rogers

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

“There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.” – Will Rogers

“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.” – Will Rogers

“I never met a man that I didn’t like.” – Will Rogers

“Rumor travels faster, but it doesn’t stay put as long as truth.” – Will Rogers

“Common sense ain’t common.” – Will Rogers

“Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today” – Will Rogers

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

“Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.” – Will Rogers

“Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects.” – Will Rogers

“Do the best you can, and don’t take life too serious.” – Will Rogers

“When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.” – Will Rogers

“The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.” – Will Rogers

“We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.” – Will Rogers

“A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.” – Will Rogers

“The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.” – Will Rogers

“If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?” – Will Rogers

“If stupidity got us in this mess, how come it can’t get us out.” – Will Rogers

“A fool and his money are soon elected.” – Will Rogers

“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” – Will Rogers

“I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.” – Will Rogers

“Always drink upstream from the herd.” – Will Rogers

“The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.” – Will Rogers

“If you want to be successful, it’s just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.” – Will Rogers

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.” – Will Rogers

“The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.” – Will Rogers

“Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.” – Will Rogers

“Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can’t buy enough to eat.” – Will Rogers

“It takes a lifetime to build a good reputation, but you can lose it in a minute.” – Will Rogers

“An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.” – Will Rogers

“You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.” – Will Rogers

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.” – Will Rogers

“The difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” – Will Rogers

“I am not a member of any organized political party — I am a Democrat.” – Will Rogers

“If you feel the urge, don’t be afraid to go on a wild goose chase. What do you think wild geese are for anyway?” – Will Rogers

“The problem ain’t what people know. It’s what people know that ain’t so that’s the problem.” – Will Rogers

“Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re actually paying for.” – Will Rogers

“Buy land. They ain’t making any more of the stuff.” – Will Rogers

“There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.” – Will Rogers

“What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.” – Will Rogers

“There is no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.” – Will Rogers

“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.” – Will Rogers

“Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it’s not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago.”- Will Rogers

“It is better for someone to think you’re a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” – Will Rogers

Tim and Carol do it with humour

Me: So you’re saying my Kindergartener is resourceful, thinks outside the box, & practices self-care?Teacher: No, I’m saying he put his classmates’ coats on the floor so he could take a nap.Me: I feel like we’re saying the same thing, no?

My cat was limping and I went through an entire cycle of grief, sobbing because I thought I would lose him, and turns out his paw was just wet.

Just heard my 4 year old say “it’s time to milk the farm dog” and my 2 yo squeal “YEAH” and I better go see what they’re doing.

Someone should invent an alarm clock where the alarm is the sound of a dog about to throw up. Because nothing wakes me up and gets me out of bed faster than that.

Me: We’re going to a surprise party today.6-year-old: For me?Me: No. It’s not your birthday.6: I know. I would be surprised.

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option.

PTA: We heard you, and this year’s valentine’s exchange will be very simpleAlso PTA: Please pack vegan and allergy free treats, dress kids in fuchsia colors and make sure they get a tattoo of the PTA logo.

I love when kids rename things. For example, my kids call snacks “nackies” and granola bars “nolas” and homemade meals “do we have anything else to eat”.

“Mommy, come here, you’re not gonna like it!” is just one of the many fun ways my 4yo likes to start a conversation..

My 4yo has emerged from a different room to grab a full size broom on her own free will, and I have never had more dread as to what horrible mess awaits me in that room than now…

Sacrifice your personal goals and aspirations for the joys of parenthood so one day your 5 y/o can tell you she’s not talking to you until she gets a pet ocelot.

Before having kids I expected to be sleep deprived for the first year, maybe two years tops. I was wrong. So so wrong.