Category Archives: Humour

My kids understand that the most important part of any five-minute chore is the forty-five minutes they spend fighting over who’s going to do it.

man at a bar: is this guy bothering you? my wife: yes.

My 4-year-old forgot the word microwave & called it a warm fridge instead.

Last night I sat my husband down and told him I wanted a 3rd kid. I’m so glad we both agreed to the kitchen reno.

Welcome to parenthood, if you don’t have applesauce or peanut butter on at least 6 surfaces in your home, they will be assigned to you shortly.

I accidentally used my husband’s body wash and now I get in my own way in the kitchen

Accidentally asked my coworker if they needed to go potty before a meeting I have to find a new job now.

My husband: Ready yet? Ready? About ready? We should go. How much longer do you need? Me: I’m ready. Let’s go. My husband: Okay. Let me just go to the bathroom first.

I asked 5 if he learned anything at school today. He thought for a bit then said “I learned if I kick Theo again I need to make sure Mrs Cobb isn’t watching”.

Husband: do you remember the other day, when I said.. Me: I remember everything you say for quality assurance purposes, go on..

My kids are currently arguing over whose blood tastes better based on who has more mosquito bites.

The best remedy for any kid’s illness is to take them to a doctor and watch all the symptoms magically disappear right as the exam begins.

If you’re giving me directions I won’t remember anything you say after the second turn.

8 and 11 were arguing for 15 minutes about what day it was. I didn’t interrupt because I don’t know the answer either.

Tonight’s a full moon. Any other ladies want to meet up at that abandoned moss-covered well in the ravine and summon a demon? I’ll bring a baked brie in puff pastry.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

Just ended day 7,000 of never having used the Pythagorean theorem.

The first five years of marriage is putting paint samples around the house and wondering if it goes with your credenza.

“the film received a 12min standing ovation” ok ? maybe they were clapping bc it was finally over.

So glad I’m not repeating my parents mistakes. but I am making a whole bunch of fun new ones

I choked on some water earlier and during my coughing fit, my 4yo asked me to be quiet so he could hear the tv. It’s safe to say I should start saving for a nursing home now.

Watching a documentary on Ancient Egypt when my 5 y/o stops in front of the TV, drops her jaw and says, “THEY WROTE ON WALLS? You’re not supposed to write on walls!”

My toddler got a hold of the markers. I caught her red handed. Purple handed, too.

Taking a vacation with family is like having major surgery; I’m going to need at least 2-3 weeks of recovery.

Robber *breaks into my home: Give me all your money! Me *laughing: Listen buddy you’ve got to do better, I have kids who ask me that all the time.

School emails be like: Welcome to X Elementary! Your supply lists include everything you’ve already bought but in a different color. Our drop-off time is 8:24. Students arriving at 8:26 will be late. The PTA will need a donation equal to your mortgage. Welcome back!

My 2yo made it through a 2 hour drive, a 2 hour wait at the airport where he read a book quietly to himself, an hour flight where he happily watched Finding Nemo on silent, a bus ride where he laughed the whole time, and then screamed the entire 15 min drive home in our own car.

Parenting is having a phone contact list filled with names like “amy-baileysmom”.

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

Me: It’s such a great feeling to be so loved by my family. My 7yo: Daddy could you move over you’re sitting in my imaginary dog’s spot.

My husband went to bed early and said I could watch the next episode of our show without him and wow what a kind and selfless man who puts others before himself and…I’m now realizing that jerk watched that episode without me.

Why are threesomes only for sex? Why can’t I join in a couples argument if I want to?

my husband: so I meant to tell you [runs sink] [clashes plates while emptying dishwasher] [walks into the bathroom and closes the door] [comes back into the kitchen] what do you think?

How to Portion control your snacks. Eat them in the presence of a 3 year old. You’ll be lucky to get two bites.

My kid is literally eating dirt in the backyard but yea I’ll go ahead and triple-wash these grapes.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

One minute you’re excited that the kids are back in school and then 7 hours later you’re reading about a field trip that costs $140

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir? Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.

Was just petting my boyfriend’s dog and he said “I’m so glad you like her” and I was like “of course how could I not like her, she’s so cute” and my boyfriend was like “no I’m talking to my dog, it would be really awkward if my dog didn’t like you.”

Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me? Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball. Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

Husband has an appointment at 10:10. He got in the shower at 9:54. This is why I have anxiety

If you’re tired of being the first person to any party you should consider having kids.

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?! After kids: Oh.

Parenting is missing your kids when you’re on a solo vacation, and missing your sanity while with them.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

My son finally found his shoes in the last place he thought to look which just so happens to be the first place I told him to look.

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

Nobody told me parenting would involve hiding 9 volt batteries from my kids so they can’t lick them

I hate it when I make breakfast and then my family also wants lunch and dinner on that same day

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

My kid asked me for a burrito but “without all the yucky stuff inside” so I’m pretty sure he wants a tortilla.

My 4-year-old says the wrong name for many things. It’s adorable, but I do try to help him say the correct word. Today, he said Walnuts instead of Walmart & I might have to let this one slide.

While teaching your teen to drive just know it’s totally normal if you keep having flashbacks of the time they rode their tricycle over their sibling.

I’ve never met a better negotiator than a kid who doesn’t want to go to sleep.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara

and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Things to Think About (don’t let them keep you awake all night)

If a poison’s “use by“ date expires, is it less poisonous or more poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?

Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you, and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them

UNRESOLVED CONFUSIONS!

1) At a movie theater, which armrest is yours?

2) If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

3) Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

4) Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

VAGARIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Why does the word “Funeral” start with FUN?

Why isn’t a fireman called a waterman?

How come Lipstick doesn’t do what it says?

If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO, and those sent by truck called SHIPMENT?

Why do we put cups in the dishwasher, and dishes in the cupboard?

Why is it called “Rush Hour” when traffic moves at its slowest then?

How come noses run and feet smell ?

Why do they call it a TV “set” when there is only one?

What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

Who thinks this stuff up? (Probably retired people who do not have much to do or those stuck in isolation.)