Category Archives: Humour

Left the back door open at my friend’s house and her roomba escaped. Hope he goes on an adventure and cleans the whole world.

Love it when in-laws give advice on how to “raise a future adult.” Ma’am, I knew your son when he was 19. You might want to sit this one out.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course. My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction. She is the legend who shaped me.

Feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

Today, TWO people who I don’t really talk to that often each randomly crossed my mind, and then each reached out to me shortly after. Putting a lot of energy into thinking about Oscar Issac today.

Hanging out with other parents is basically just trying to one up each other on how tired you are

Do you guys think I could ask a girl I never talked to in college whether or not she broke up with her fiance, a guy i’ve never met? they haven’t been in photos together for a few months. what’s the etiquette here?

This man just paid for my stuff at the gas station and said happy Mother’s Day.. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t have kids…

I’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone.

If you’ve listened to a man speak for more than 30 minutes, you’re a mother.

“please see cashier” i’m gonna get in my car & find another gas station is what i’m gonna do.

Signed 5 out of school early for an appointment and saw another mom signed her kid in late and the reason was “Monday” so I’m on a quest to find her and force her to be my friend.

7 told me today that my hair looks like I have “thousands of spiderwebs” coming out of my head, how’s your day going?

me: I thought said to keep your hands to yourself son: I did me: then why is your sister crying? son: I kicked her.

One of the kids I work with just said I look like a ‘budget disney princess’ so I guess I’ve got that going for me.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face.

Our dishwasher broke and I told the kids we have to wash everything in the sink and 5 said “like you did in the olden days when you lived in a cave”?

And on my next podcast episode of why I stopped having kids after this one: I had my hair in a ponytail and my son walked in the room and said, “Ewww Mommy take your hair down, it makes your face look like the moon.”

Shout out to all the sunburnt parents who spent hours applying sunblock to their kids but forgot themselves.

If you’re having a bad day just know one of my kids told me I look like ET…..when he’s sick….not just regular ET.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend.

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

I’m just a mom, standing in my kid’s room, asking why there are fruit snacks on the ceiling.

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to.

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

Me [coming home]: HOWS MY BABY?!?! Him: I’m good Me: Him: you meant the dog didn’t you?

No one wants to take medicine more than the healthy sibling of a sick kid.

If my wife doesn’t like her haircut, does her hairdresser even know the emotional mess I’m left to clean up.

I asked my 6yo’s friend when his birthday is and he said, “the day I was born”.

If your husband has never known the joy of a clean house, fresh folded laundry and homeade bread, you should introduce him to my husband. They’d have a lot in common.

6yo, getting dressed for school: hold on I just need to do one thing me: ok 6yo: *crawls back into bed and pulls blanket over his head* me:

Watching a crime scene investigator search for trace evidence is impressive but have you ever seen a kid examine a piece of fruit for spots?

Me: [asks where something is] My wife: I saw it where we keep our keys. Me: Why do you torture me?

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

if you open a snack in the middle of the woods, does it make a sound every toddler on the planet can hear?

All I have to do is throw the word “Garage“ into any sentence and I instantly have my husband’s attention.

I asked 5 to share her grapes with her brother and she said no so I asked why not and she said “I don’t know I haven’t figured that out yet, I’ll let you know when I do” and carried on eating the grapes.

[At a restaurant] Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad. Husband: I think I’ll get the wings. Me: Those don’t come with fries. Husband: I know. Me: Husband: Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Are you telling me there are people who return home from a trip and unpack their suitcase that day instead of slowly across weeks or months as they remember they need something out of it?

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

It’s called paid time off because anytime you get time off you end up paying for it when you get back.

Being a mom must be wild. you go thru pregnancy and labor and years of raising a vulnerable helpless child and then they become an adult just to call you every day with questions “hi should I put apples in the fridge??”

Welcome back from vacation, you’ll be caught up on laundry again in 46 months.

The year was 2011. I was 18. I had practiced asking my dad if I can go on holiday with my friends for weeks now. I finally get the courage and ask. My heart is pounding!!!! He looks at me and then goes “I want you to watch a film called Taken”

Difference between being on vacation and being back home: Last night I had a 10-oz filet mignon for dinner. Tonight I had Fruity Pebbles.

In case you’ve ever doubted the brilliance of a toddler, mine just told me that a kid in her class is allergic to peanut butter so I have to send her chocolate instead.

*takes phone off airplane mode for first time in a week* *sees 16 new messages* *turns around, goes back on vacation*

I’m at my most hypocritical when I’m telling my kid that she’s responsible for her school things as I’m frantically searching for my keys.

“Now that we’re back from vacation we don’t have to eat restaurant food for every meal!” *Sees empty fridge & pantry “Who wants pizza?”

The parenting books didn’t prepare me for how many stuffed animals I’d have to put to bed.

After taking a week of vacation, I like to slowly ease back into my workload. This process typically takes 51 weeks.

There has never been a more pure show of unbridled optimism than my wife believing she could work on her grad school paper in the same room as our twin six year old boys.

So glad to finally be back from vacation so I can spend more time on the internet.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store? Me: Ham? Yes

My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out. No word yet…

“So can you tell us what makes you qualified for the position of hostage negotiator?”  “I have a 2 year old.” “You’re hired.”

You haven’t known suffering until you’ve taken a 2-year-old shopping for a birthday gift that isn’t for them.

Telling a 2 year old “Don’t make a mess” is like asking me to give up wine. It just ain’t gonna happen.

10 wanted to make dinner and mixed random ingredients like eggs, flour, crackers, dried pasta and ketchup, then baked it until it was burnt and my twins said it was the nicest dinner they’d ever tasted so I resigned and now I live on a faraway island.

My 2-year-old threw a temper tantrum because she wants to eat cereal but both her hands are full of stuffed animals. The struggle is real.

The other night I told 5 if he left his room one more time instead of going to sleep that I was taking one of his stuffed animals. He left his room again. When I went in his room, he had an assortment of animals laid out and told me I “could choose one of these”.

The ultimate toddler paradox: an unstoppable 2-year-old meeting an immovable sliding glass door.

Everyday I pick my kid up from school he announces “I didn’t bite anybody!” and you know what? I’m pretty proud I didn’t bite anybody either.

Doorbell just rang. My 2 year old:”oh! It’s chocolate!” I like the way you think, sister.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today? Me: I don’t think it’s an act.