I was having problems with my work computer so I called my IT guy and he was like, “You really need to stop calling me when I’m at school, Mom.”

Why drive 7 minutes when I can spend an extra $47 to have the food delivered to my doorstep?

Dear school: I have the energy to put effort into a costume for my kid once a year and that’s October 31st. So stop asking me to dress her up as an old person, a book character, her future career, or anything else. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack, if you’re missing something let me know because it was definitely in there.

No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.

Establish dominance by replying to your kid’s “Knock knock” joke with “Door’s open.”

My 5yo told me I hurt her feelings cause I wouldn’t let her have a popsicle for dinner and then said she’ll “never be happy again” and her tears will “never be gone” and I deserve an academy award for not laughing at this level of drama.