I was having problems with my work computer so I called my IT guy and he was like, “You really need to stop calling me when I’m at school, Mom.”

Why drive 7 minutes when I can spend an extra $47 to have the food delivered to my doorstep?

Dear school: I have the energy to put effort into a costume for my kid once a year and that’s October 31st. So stop asking me to dress her up as an old person, a book character, her future career, or anything else. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack, if you’re missing something let me know because it was definitely in there.

No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.

Establish dominance by replying to your kid’s “Knock knock” joke with “Door’s open.”

My 5yo told me I hurt her feelings cause I wouldn’t let her have a popsicle for dinner and then said she’ll “never be happy again” and her tears will “never be gone” and I deserve an academy award for not laughing at this level of drama.

I adore my dog, but I respect my cat. A dog is like a happy, dependent toddler. A cat is a tiny god that lives in your apartment.

There are two types of mom friends: those who text after 8 PM and those who text before 8 AM.

The pup tasted very expensive raw frozen goat milk ONCE at the suggestion of a local pet store clerk and now he won’t eat unless he gets a little dollop of it on top like he’s being served pie a la mode…Fauntleroy behaviour.

The day I’ve longed for since the FIRST DAY I became a parent is finally here!!!my daughter is old enough to go get me stuff from the other room.

There’s things about having pets and children no one ever warned me about. Like the cat crawling into the dishwasher and riding the empty lower dishwasher tray out of the dishwasher across the kitchen floor.

Tried to complain to my mom about the difficulties of raising a stubborn child and her eyes rolled so far back in her head I don’t think they’re ever coming back.

This morning I sat up from a laying down position and my two year old yelled, “You did it!”

My daughter can’t find her glasses, her shoes, or her backpack, but she can spot a sliver of onion in a bowl of rice from 10 feet away.

A good dad earns his stripes early by learning the baby’s cues. Like that cry they make while taking a bottle means they want their mommy. And that cry when they can’t sleep means they want their mommy. And that cry … you get the point.

The greatest phenomenon in parenting is how there are 18 hours between dinner and bedtime.

No parenting book can prepare you for when your 3 yr old literally sticks her finger in your nostril and says, “Hey mom, smell this!”

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids. Marriage is easy.

Raise an independent female so she can scream “my body, my choice” when you tell her to wash her hair during bath time.

Asked a bunch of rival dads if anyone wanted to go hiking with me tomorrow morning at 5. Of course they all said no. I’m not going hiking either but they don’t have to know that.

You either have a kid who never wants to shower or a kid who takes hour long showers every day. There is no in between.

If I ever want to hear about all the injustice in the world, I just ask my 12 year old to clear the table after dinner.

Whenever looking upon my sleeping kids, I imagine them growing up to make a difference in the world. Which is incredible since they use bed rails to stop from falling on their faces in the middle of the night.

My youngest boy fell over and cried and my daughter told him to stop behaving like he’s 4 and a half. They’re both 5.

My dog sighs a lot for somebody who doesn’t contribute to this house or know what a government is.

Stop Screaming! I screamed, in my gentlest parenting screaming voice.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions.

My favourite game to play at 1am is Why Is My Cat Wet.

A big thank you to all the kids who gave my son Valentine’s Day candy. I really enjoyed it!

The older I get, the more I feel everything my mom/grandmother used to say to me as a kid. Like not making extra stops on the way home. And watching your shows in peace. I tell my dog all the time “don’t come in here with all that noise”.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese? Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese. Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car.

4: Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese!

By age 30 you should have 7 gmail accounts, 4 inactive side twitters, an abandoned fanfiction dot net account, and an instagram with 2 pictures of your cat.

I jokingly asked my toddler where her off button is and she’s been walking around the house looking for it for the last 15 minutes, and now I’m mad at myself for not having thought of this sooner.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a romantic Valentine’s dinner we can all fight about 5th grade math homework and have macaroni and cheese again.

Here are the initial survey questions. Please answer them accurately and honestly.

• Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
• Do you suffer from shyness?
• Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS: 

• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you feel may benefit!

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz .