Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?! After kids: Oh.

Parenting is missing your kids when you’re on a solo vacation, and missing your sanity while with them.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

My son finally found his shoes in the last place he thought to look which just so happens to be the first place I told him to look.

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

Nobody told me parenting would involve hiding 9 volt batteries from my kids so they can’t lick them

I hate it when I make breakfast and then my family also wants lunch and dinner on that same day

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

My kid asked me for a burrito but “without all the yucky stuff inside” so I’m pretty sure he wants a tortilla.

My 4-year-old says the wrong name for many things. It’s adorable, but I do try to help him say the correct word. Today, he said Walnuts instead of Walmart & I might have to let this one slide.

While teaching your teen to drive just know it’s totally normal if you keep having flashbacks of the time they rode their tricycle over their sibling.

I’ve never met a better negotiator than a kid who doesn’t want to go to sleep.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara

and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Things to Think About (don’t let them keep you awake all night)

If a poison’s “use by“ date expires, is it less poisonous or more poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?

Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you, and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them

UNRESOLVED CONFUSIONS!

1) At a movie theater, which armrest is yours?

2) If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

3) Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

4) Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

VAGARIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Why does the word “Funeral” start with FUN?

Why isn’t a fireman called a waterman?

How come Lipstick doesn’t do what it says?

If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO, and those sent by truck called SHIPMENT?

Why do we put cups in the dishwasher, and dishes in the cupboard?

Why is it called “Rush Hour” when traffic moves at its slowest then?

How come noses run and feet smell ?

Why do they call it a TV “set” when there is only one?

What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

Who thinks this stuff up? (Probably retired people who do not have much to do or those stuck in isolation.)