Category Archives: Humour

“So can you tell us what makes you qualified for the position of hostage negotiator?”  “I have a 2 year old.” “You’re hired.”

You haven’t known suffering until you’ve taken a 2-year-old shopping for a birthday gift that isn’t for them.

Telling a 2 year old “Don’t make a mess” is like asking me to give up wine. It just ain’t gonna happen.

10 wanted to make dinner and mixed random ingredients like eggs, flour, crackers, dried pasta and ketchup, then baked it until it was burnt and my twins said it was the nicest dinner they’d ever tasted so I resigned and now I live on a faraway island.

My 2-year-old threw a temper tantrum because she wants to eat cereal but both her hands are full of stuffed animals. The struggle is real.

The other night I told 5 if he left his room one more time instead of going to sleep that I was taking one of his stuffed animals. He left his room again. When I went in his room, he had an assortment of animals laid out and told me I “could choose one of these”.

The ultimate toddler paradox: an unstoppable 2-year-old meeting an immovable sliding glass door.

Everyday I pick my kid up from school he announces “I didn’t bite anybody!” and you know what? I’m pretty proud I didn’t bite anybody either.

Doorbell just rang. My 2 year old:”oh! It’s chocolate!” I like the way you think, sister.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today? Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

What position is it in soccer where my kid tries to find a four leaf clover?

Me: I’m struggling with some demons today Wife: I thought I told you to stop calling our kids that
me: how is your pancake, bud? 3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

Yesterday: 4yo sees one lone ladybug in the house. This morning at drop off: 4 announces to his teachers and classmates that he lives “in a home FULL of bugs.”

I love how unabashedly kids make friends at the park. My daughter: My mom is over there (points). She dyes her hair. New friend: That’s my mom there (points). She’s 46 and she’s on a diet.

Some days parenting is really fun. Some days parenting is hard because your kid has decided they’re a dog and will only respond to you if you pretend they’re a dog.

It’s dad law that if you encounter a group of children building a sand castle at the beach, you have to ask them if they have the appropriate permits.

The vet told us there’s a note in Gristle’s file that shes most of the nurse’s favorite dog and to let everyone know when she’s there so they dont miss out on petting her.

Preschools will be like “we are an immersive program that enriches your child’s world by expanding their horizons and connecting them with all the skills they need to succeed and the tools they need to socialize with their peers. The school is from 9am-11am Tues and Wed”.

“Rushed to check my cat was OK only to find it trying to steal salmon jerky from a kitchen drawer shaken open by the earthquake”

My 6yo is already beating me at Mario Kart and now I know you can be simultaneously proud and ashamed of the same thing.

I’m your wife. You might remember me from such hits as “I’m not hungry” and its sequel “Are you going to finish that?”

talking to someone in IT about a forgotten password and I’m using words like “okey-dokey” and “lord willing” so they think I’m just an old person and not a technologically incompetent 20-something.

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

5: today in school, we talked about what to do if you have anxiety Me, grabbing a note pad and pen: go on.

I can be in the living room and somehow still be in my wife’s way in the kitchen.

Tom Brady spent two months with his children and decided he’d rather be hit by 300 pound linemen, and I think that tells me everything I need to know about having kids.

I hope that my husband retires the same way as Tom Brady did. You know… goes back to work after 40 days.

Parenting in 3 steps: (1) Your kid gets a little cold (2) They sneeze on you (3) Now you have Ebola

My husband called my bluff today 🙁 I asked him to do something and he said he would in a bit so I said “Fine, I’ll do it myself .” And he said, “Okay, good luck .”

Me: I am strong and competent and able to handle any challenge thrown at me. Also me: *calls my husband because a bee keeps aggressively chasing me out of the kitchen*
If you’re wondering if parenting is for you, I just heard a voice say “howdy partner!” and turned around to see my 3 yo wearing his potty seat on his head like a cowboy hat.
Me: I love you 7yo: I love you too Me: l love you to infinity 7yo: I love you to infinity too Me: l love you more than ice cream 7yo: 7yo: what flavor?
Before I got married I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.
Wife is back from her trip and is upset at all the dishes in the sink, but at least they’re not in the dishwasher incorrectly.
My child, with a 4th grade education: That’s a cumulus cloud! Me, a college-educated adult: That cloud looks like a turtle!
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments.
Have kids so they can interrupt your meeting to remind you that triceratops was the horniest dinosaur.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room. I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

Had to give up my pillow so that my 4yo’s fave stuffy could have a pillow. Otherwise the stuffy wouldn’t be able to sleep obviously.

I told my wife she missed a spot while vacuuming, just before it became my permanent job.

Spent all day consoling my kids for not being Irish until my husband came home and was like, let me tell you about your Irish grandmother. I completely forgot that my children come from two people.

Nothing is louder than what your spouse is watching in the other room.

Wife’s outta town and you know what that means… It means I don’t know where anything is or what’s going on.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

Are you a happily married person or did you just see the photo your husband took of you.

Husband: So you’re just gonna sit there staring at your phone? (Looks up from phone) Maybe later, I’m not hungry.

It appears my wife’s favorite time to give me the silent treatment is when I’m right.

Me to my husband: Get away, you’re gross. Me to my cat: Of course you can sneeze in my face and rub your nose on my glasses.

couples don’t need couples therapy before they get married. they need to go to IKEA.

My wife said she’s in a bad mood but it’s not my fault so I’m taking this as a win.

90% of marriage is moving a new piece of furniture around the house all day until you find the perfect spot for it which is back at the store.

“To whom it may concern”

– vague – weak – ignorable “

To whom it will concern”

– ominous – strong – alarming

what your email sign-off says about you:

“thanks!” you want to be loved “thanks,” you’re not mad you’re just disappointed “best,” you are classy and professional and probably hot “cheers!” you’re either cool or British “regards,” you hate me “sincerely,” you’re an intern.

email culture is switching an exclamation point between your greeting and your first sentence because you don’t want to come on too strong by exclaiming twice in a row.

Everyone’s always like you should use fewer exclamation marks I’m like why not use more? We’re in a pandemic go ahead and send a work email that’s like “helllllllo!!!!!!!!”

When I sign off an email with “regards” it means I regard you as my foe; one or the other of us will have to go.

When I sign off an email with “Love Karen” sans comma, it is not a typo. it is an order.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

Instead of “all my best” i’m gonna start signing off on my emails with “some best” because i gotta keep the rest of the best for myself.