Category Archives: Humour

All dogs are sons of bitches, so technically it’s a compliment.

The best thing about cats is that no matter how haughty or proud they look, every single one of them is actually a big ol dingus.

BIG NEWS: I would like to announce my book deal. It’s where I knock the books off the shelf onto your desk, and you have to deal with it haha.

Doing brain laundry (separating my thoughts into lights and darks).

Contrary to childhood education, falling anvils, pianos, and safes have not been a significant danger in my life.

Dogs be walkin under ur feet Iike they’re tryin to collect workers comp.

Gonna open a bar called misery’s company and every day at happy hour a dog will sit down with you and you can pet their head and tell them all about your bad day.

When someone tells you their dog’s name immediately ask what the last name it’s a fun little gag.

Very proud of myself for sticking to my New Years resolution of getting out of bed early. It allowed me to walk to my couch and sleep worse in a second location.

I’m just happy that 2/2/22 is also a Tuesday.

If you’re thinking about becoming a parent, I can’t even begin to tell you how much time and energy it will save if your kids suck at sports.

If you’re undecided about signing your kids up for sports, do three loads of laundry before 7AM this Saturday and see how it feels.

Spare a thought for all the parents who came before us that had to attend thousands of kids’ sports events *WITHOUT* smart phones.

After having children, 80% of marriage is just negotiating who’s dropping off which kid at which sport.

Me: *shells out a lot of money to put child on competitive sports team* Kid: Can you believe they gave me a free t-shirt?

I guess “banana bread” does sound healthier than “breakfast cake.”

i keep trying to look up alternative treatments for adhd but then I learn about the history of Mesopotamia instead.

I don’t know when I’m gonna die, so I have a midlife crisis every year to play it safe.

I am very treats-motivated like I get myself to do a lot of things by buying myself a little treat after. I think this works very well!! my bank account does not agree.

Matched with an LA city planner, time to flirt my way into some better sidewalks.

Do flat earthers think all planets are flat or just this one?

As someone who took her husband’s last name, I don’t recommend it. not for feminist reasons, but because sometimes I forget how to spell it.

I’m the kind of wife who will help my husband look for his chocolate that I ate.

Husband: Mmm…you smell so nice. Me: Thanks. My hair had static so I rubbed a dryer sheet on my head.

Husband: you should hang out with my friend’s wife, she’s an introvert like you. Me: that’s…that’s not how it works.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving. Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these earthy colored blankets?

After 13 years of marriage my husband still doesn’t know the difference between the thingamabobber and the whatchamacallit.

My husband and I are still married because after he loads the dishwasher he calls me over to “optimize” it.

Let’s get married & have kids so we can accuse each other of putting the toilet paper on backwards, when it was actually our child who did it.

I love my husband but he’s a damned fool if he thinks the correct follow up to “damn that’s a big bug” is “do you want to see it before i throw it out?”

5 said she doesn’t need to go to school anymore because she can already count up to 10 and that’s enough because she probably won’t ever eat more than 10 cupcakes.

Felt like wallowing in self pity today so I googled the net worth of my kid’s favourite YouTuber.

6YO dropped the iPad on her face last night. I hugged her tight and laughed behind her back. Am I going to hell?!

My 4yo is always wearing Spider-Man clothes but refuses to watch Spider-Man and this is my life as a parent.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with.

My 9-year-old fact checks my “No. Absolutely not” by asking the same question 78 more times.

Took my 10 y/o daughter skiing and she biffed hard. Another dad happened to be right there to check on her and when I skied up, she said, “Don’t worry, I told him I’m fine so he wouldn’t think you were a bad dad for letting me fall.”

My kid just found out about pig latin and it is torture.

My son received applause from strangers today for the first time (held up his airplane to a group of construction workers) and he is permanently ruined. Muttered “Dey loved me” for 45 minutes. Wanted to go back to “All the clapping men.” Where’s the book on raising Sally Field?

I just love agreeing to play a game that my kid made all of the rules for only for her to say “wow mom you’re really bad at this game”.

Parenting books: calm your child’s tantrums with empathy Me to tantrumming 5yo: it looks like you need a hug 5yo: NO I DOOOOONT *tantrums harder*

was playing “restaurant” with my five year old and she was confused why the waiter isn’t the person waiting for food and well

Ways to make a teen roll their eyes: 1. Say, “Good morning” 2. Tell them you love them 3. Look at them

*10 yr old asks for something* Me: Okay. 10: That’s it? No 4 hour lecture or reminder about rules and stuff? Me: No, I think you’re old enough. BUT, this does not mean you… 10: And there it is…

i sent the boys out to play in the snow and welcomed them back in to dryer-warmed pajamas and now they say i’m the best mom in the world, and all I can think is “damn, i hope they never raise their standards”.

8 happily rode Tower of Terror (when he was 6) but says Toy Story 4 is “too dangerous and scary”.

My stepson is only two weeks into his first relationship with a girlfriend and is already down seventeen sweatshirts.

Me: How was school? 4 year old: James ruined my whole entire day Me: Oh no what happened? 4 year old: I don’t know

My 6 y/o started doing this thing where he asks, “remember when…” & then tells you something that happened 5 minutes ago. I’m no longer the old man in the house.

When my teens are sick: suck it up, drink some water, go to bed at a decent time, quit eating so much junk food and this won’t happen. When my dog sneezes: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY, MY POOR BABY

Parenting is a lot like talking to an automated phone attendant. You’re hopeful at first, but then just end up repeating yourself and yelling.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower.

My daughter wanted to play doctor’s office so I turned the ac to 60° and made her wait in her room for an hour and a half.

Area Dads want you to know that the drink you have sitting so close to your laptop is making them nervous.

My kid gets in more steps getting out of bed every night than I do all day.

I gave 14 a side hug in public yesterday and she said “You know, distance makes my heart grow fonder.” So today I’m going to yell “HUGS” from a distance when I drop her off with friends.

my 4yo likes to act like the food I cook is disgusting but he’s the one eating graham crackers dipped in watermelon juice.

6 is really into dinosaurs and he told me the other day I’m not allowed to play with his dinosaurs because i don’t know how to say the dinosaur names correctly. tough rules coming from a person who had a difficult time reading the word ARM the other day.

My 6 year old was quietly eating his cereal when he paused and said to no one, ‘I hope my sister isn’t a criminal when she grows up,’ and I feel like he summed up my parenting goals nicely.

my husband has been teaching my 3 year old about football but explaining that toys on the floor are maximizing zone coverage was a bit much.

Me to my child: Its not good to chew gum unless someones watching you closely. Child: Watch me closely! Me: ……….. …………. ….. . …. ………. ……no

6: So, you’ll never get taller? Me: Nope, I can’t grow taller- 6: Only fatter, right?

4, in an attempt to avoid bedtime, has come up with an adorable new excuse. Tonight from the monitor I heard this, “Momma, I’m having a bed party and you’re invited, when are you coming?”

My 6yo told me he won’t wear jeans because they’re grumpy and now he’s my life coach.

First you force your kids to be friends with your friends’ kids, then they force you to be friends with their friends’ parents. It’s play date pay back.

Nobody told me parenting would involve dumping out so many glasses of water.