Category Archives: Humour

I don’t have a favorite child but if you were to go by the photos on my phone it’s the dog.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

i was doing my taxes on turbo tax and next thing i know, they said i owe money. i never closed a website tab so fast

Every type of Italian sausage is a good name for a cat, every type of German sausage is a good name for a dog.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

Turbo Tax is the worst computer game ever.

Hello. I’d like to report a felony. I sent my husband out to get supplies for a charcuterie board and he came back without any cheese.

My kids could never get away with a murder because they’d leave an empty fruit snack wrapper at the crime scene.

Marriage is just asking each other “What was that?” every time you hear a noise in the house for the rest of your life.

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qYyu…

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

My husband’s favorite time to ask me a question is when I’m upstairs and can’t hear a word he’s saying.

That the days are long but the years are short so appreciate the time you have with them. The years are short because I have blocked them from my memory in order to stay sane.

My husband is confused why i snapped at him, as if he wasn’t part of the argument i just had with him in my head for the last ten minutes.

I can be in the living room and I’ll still be in my wife’s way in the kitchen.

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

My 5 yr old called a QR code a scan square and now I’m asking myself – “why do they even call them QR codes”

“He’ll get tired and fall asleep in his crib eventually.” No. No he didn’t.

Before I got married, I never knew there was right and wrong way to take the trash out.

My 12-year-old called her ankles “foot wrists” and now I’m concerned about her future plans to be a doctor.

I just heard a four year old call Ferraro Rocher’s “chocolate meatballs” and I can never go back.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

My son referred to a little boy today as ‘a double kid’ – any idea what he meant? A twin. The boy had a twin brother.

“If you think X is hard (fill in whatever you are struggling with, breastfeeding, sleeping, toilet training), Y (school, adolescence, college applications, whatever) is so much harder you will wish for X.” Most unhelpful comment ever.

Today my 7 year old grandson called our bathroom scales a “weight thermometer ” This is why we should have kids name everything…..

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

Instead of “emotional” support, my son said “mimosa-tional” support and I want that a lot more.

Question: when your marriage counselor starts eating popcorn during your zoom session is that insulting or kinda flattering?

I’m not so sure about this daylight savings time thing. I give it six months.

Secret to a successful couples therapy is to send both the mothers-in-law to attend the sessions

Happy “my car clock is right again” day to all who celebrate.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

When you have a newborn baby every day is daylight savings.

If my wife doesn’t like her haircut, does her hairdresser even know the emotional mess I’m left to clean up.

Very cool how I haven’t left my time zone in over two years and still somehow jet lag is imposed upon me twice a year by the curse of daylight savings time.

Car trips with my wife are great ‘cause I get to listen to 10 seconds each of 400 songs she hates.

For weeks after daylight savings I keep answering my moms favorite question “what time is it there?”

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday.

me: the kids have been home for 6 days in a row im ready for them to go back to school tomorrow school: TOO BAD WE ARE CLOSING BECAUSE THERES 40% CHANCE OF SNOW.

Me: I cleaned today so we’re ordering take out tonight. Husband: Why? Me: I’ll be taking no more questions at this time.

Before I was married, I didn’t know you had to go to the grocery store “with a plan”

When my wife and I want to watch a movie after 8PM our first question is how long is it.

As I was fiddling with buttons & cursing at my Instant Pot my husband had the gall to ask me if I’d read the instructions. I mean … I didn’t, but how *DARE* he?!?

I have one intelligent child who is designing a parachute and, putting this as politely as I can, I have another child willing to try the parachute.

My daughter laughed at my new Birkenstocks but if it hadn’t been for my Birks and hemp anklet catching her mom’s eye in 1996, she may not even exist.

If by crossfit, you mean vacuuming the house while holding a toddler that doesn’t want to be held but also doesn’t want to be set down then yes, I do crossfit.

Me to my kids: it’s important to be flexible and embrace new experiences Also me, when the deli next to my job gets new coffee cups: MY DAY IS RUINED

last night 8 and 9 rated my dinner a 9. i felt great until i realized the scale they were using was 1 through 2,000. that’s a bullshit range.