I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

“You’re driving 47 in a 45” is a very strange way for my husband to request to walk home.

People will tell you that childbirth is the most painful thing you can experience but after watching my toddler try to pick up peas with a fork I’m not so sure.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead.

What I say: Stay out of trouble for 10 minutes while I shower. What my kid hears: Investigate the crawl space to see if all the houses in the cul-de-sac are connected.

How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story.

employer: can u explain this gap in ur resume? me: yea that’s where i hit ‘Enter’ a bunch of times.

40% of my wife and I’s conversations go like this: me: what? wife: i was talking to the dog

My toddler just walked by saying ‘cinnamon bitch’ over and over, and I felt attacked until I realized he meant ‘son of a bitch.’ Crisis averted.

My wife wandered off 30 minutes ago in the grocery store, I have the shopping cart, her purse and cell phone. I guess I’m single now.

marriage is one person forgetting where they put something and the other accusing them they threw it out.

It’s very difficult to talk about staying within a budget with your husband when you have skeletons in your closet, specifically a 12-foot one, that you bought yesterday.

I just recited my wedding vows to my husband and emphasized the words “until death do us part” so he understands how serious I am about that last ice cream cone in the freezer.

Wife went on a girls’ trip and bought me a t-shirt that says, “Not as Bad as Some of the Other Husbands.”