My kids understand that the most important part of any five-minute chore is the forty-five minutes they spend fighting over who’s going to do it.

man at a bar: is this guy bothering you? my wife: yes.

My 4-year-old forgot the word microwave & called it a warm fridge instead.

Last night I sat my husband down and told him I wanted a 3rd kid. I’m so glad we both agreed to the kitchen reno.

Welcome to parenthood, if you don’t have applesauce or peanut butter on at least 6 surfaces in your home, they will be assigned to you shortly.

I accidentally used my husband’s body wash and now I get in my own way in the kitchen

Accidentally asked my coworker if they needed to go potty before a meeting I have to find a new job now.

My husband: Ready yet? Ready? About ready? We should go. How much longer do you need? Me: I’m ready. Let’s go. My husband: Okay. Let me just go to the bathroom first.

I asked 5 if he learned anything at school today. He thought for a bit then said “I learned if I kick Theo again I need to make sure Mrs Cobb isn’t watching”.

Husband: do you remember the other day, when I said.. Me: I remember everything you say for quality assurance purposes, go on..

My kids are currently arguing over whose blood tastes better based on who has more mosquito bites.

The best remedy for any kid’s illness is to take them to a doctor and watch all the symptoms magically disappear right as the exam begins.

If you’re giving me directions I won’t remember anything you say after the second turn.

8 and 11 were arguing for 15 minutes about what day it was. I didn’t interrupt because I don’t know the answer either.

Tonight’s a full moon. Any other ladies want to meet up at that abandoned moss-covered well in the ravine and summon a demon? I’ll bring a baked brie in puff pastry.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

Just ended day 7,000 of never having used the Pythagorean theorem.

The first five years of marriage is putting paint samples around the house and wondering if it goes with your credenza.

“the film received a 12min standing ovation” ok ? maybe they were clapping bc it was finally over.