Monthly Archives: May 2022

Signed 5 out of school early for an appointment and saw another mom signed her kid in late and the reason was “Monday” so I’m on a quest to find her and force her to be my friend.

7 told me today that my hair looks like I have “thousands of spiderwebs” coming out of my head, how’s your day going?

me: I thought said to keep your hands to yourself son: I did me: then why is your sister crying? son: I kicked her.

One of the kids I work with just said I look like a ‘budget disney princess’ so I guess I’ve got that going for me.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face.

Our dishwasher broke and I told the kids we have to wash everything in the sink and 5 said “like you did in the olden days when you lived in a cave”?

And on my next podcast episode of why I stopped having kids after this one: I had my hair in a ponytail and my son walked in the room and said, “Ewww Mommy take your hair down, it makes your face look like the moon.”

Shout out to all the sunburnt parents who spent hours applying sunblock to their kids but forgot themselves.

If you’re having a bad day just know one of my kids told me I look like ET…..when he’s sick….not just regular ET.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend.

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

I’m just a mom, standing in my kid’s room, asking why there are fruit snacks on the ceiling.

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to.

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

Me [coming home]: HOWS MY BABY?!?! Him: I’m good Me: Him: you meant the dog didn’t you?

No one wants to take medicine more than the healthy sibling of a sick kid.

If my wife doesn’t like her haircut, does her hairdresser even know the emotional mess I’m left to clean up.

I asked my 6yo’s friend when his birthday is and he said, “the day I was born”.

If your husband has never known the joy of a clean house, fresh folded laundry and homeade bread, you should introduce him to my husband. They’d have a lot in common.

6yo, getting dressed for school: hold on I just need to do one thing me: ok 6yo: *crawls back into bed and pulls blanket over his head* me:

Watching a crime scene investigator search for trace evidence is impressive but have you ever seen a kid examine a piece of fruit for spots?

Me: [asks where something is] My wife: I saw it where we keep our keys. Me: Why do you torture me?

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

if you open a snack in the middle of the woods, does it make a sound every toddler on the planet can hear?

All I have to do is throw the word “Garage“ into any sentence and I instantly have my husband’s attention.

I asked 5 to share her grapes with her brother and she said no so I asked why not and she said “I don’t know I haven’t figured that out yet, I’ll let you know when I do” and carried on eating the grapes.

[At a restaurant] Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad. Husband: I think I’ll get the wings. Me: Those don’t come with fries. Husband: I know. Me: Husband: Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!