Signed 5 out of school early for an appointment and saw another mom signed her kid in late and the reason was “Monday” so I’m on a quest to find her and force her to be my friend.

7 told me today that my hair looks like I have “thousands of spiderwebs” coming out of my head, how’s your day going?

me: I thought said to keep your hands to yourself son: I did me: then why is your sister crying? son: I kicked her.

One of the kids I work with just said I look like a ‘budget disney princess’ so I guess I’ve got that going for me.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face.

Our dishwasher broke and I told the kids we have to wash everything in the sink and 5 said “like you did in the olden days when you lived in a cave”?

And on my next podcast episode of why I stopped having kids after this one: I had my hair in a ponytail and my son walked in the room and said, “Ewww Mommy take your hair down, it makes your face look like the moon.”

Shout out to all the sunburnt parents who spent hours applying sunblock to their kids but forgot themselves.

If you’re having a bad day just know one of my kids told me I look like ET…..when he’s sick….not just regular ET.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend.

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.