It’s dad law that if you encounter a group of children building a sand castle at the beach, you have to ask them if they have the appropriate permits.

The vet told us there’s a note in Gristle’s file that shes most of the nurse’s favorite dog and to let everyone know when she’s there so they dont miss out on petting her.

Preschools will be like “we are an immersive program that enriches your child’s world by expanding their horizons and connecting them with all the skills they need to succeed and the tools they need to socialize with their peers. The school is from 9am-11am Tues and Wed”.

“Rushed to check my cat was OK only to find it trying to steal salmon jerky from a kitchen drawer shaken open by the earthquake”

My 6yo is already beating me at Mario Kart and now I know you can be simultaneously proud and ashamed of the same thing.

I’m your wife. You might remember me from such hits as “I’m not hungry” and its sequel “Are you going to finish that?”

talking to someone in IT about a forgotten password and I’m using words like “okey-dokey” and “lord willing” so they think I’m just an old person and not a technologically incompetent 20-something.

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

5: today in school, we talked about what to do if you have anxiety Me, grabbing a note pad and pen: go on.

I can be in the living room and somehow still be in my wife’s way in the kitchen.

Tom Brady spent two months with his children and decided he’d rather be hit by 300 pound linemen, and I think that tells me everything I need to know about having kids.

I hope that my husband retires the same way as Tom Brady did. You know… goes back to work after 40 days.

Parenting in 3 steps: (1) Your kid gets a little cold (2) They sneeze on you (3) Now you have Ebola

My husband called my bluff today 🙁 I asked him to do something and he said he would in a bit so I said “Fine, I’ll do it myself .” And he said, “Okay, good luck .”

Me: I am strong and competent and able to handle any challenge thrown at me. Also me: *calls my husband because a bee keeps aggressively chasing me out of the kitchen*
If you’re wondering if parenting is for you, I just heard a voice say “howdy partner!” and turned around to see my 3 yo wearing his potty seat on his head like a cowboy hat.
Me: I love you 7yo: I love you too Me: l love you to infinity 7yo: I love you to infinity too Me: l love you more than ice cream 7yo: 7yo: what flavor?
Before I got married I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.
Wife is back from her trip and is upset at all the dishes in the sink, but at least they’re not in the dishwasher incorrectly.
My child, with a 4th grade education: That’s a cumulus cloud! Me, a college-educated adult: That cloud looks like a turtle!
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments.
Have kids so they can interrupt your meeting to remind you that triceratops was the horniest dinosaur.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room. I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

Had to give up my pillow so that my 4yo’s fave stuffy could have a pillow. Otherwise the stuffy wouldn’t be able to sleep obviously.

I told my wife she missed a spot while vacuuming, just before it became my permanent job.

Spent all day consoling my kids for not being Irish until my husband came home and was like, let me tell you about your Irish grandmother. I completely forgot that my children come from two people.

Nothing is louder than what your spouse is watching in the other room.

Wife’s outta town and you know what that means… It means I don’t know where anything is or what’s going on.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

Are you a happily married person or did you just see the photo your husband took of you.

Husband: So you’re just gonna sit there staring at your phone? (Looks up from phone) Maybe later, I’m not hungry.

It appears my wife’s favorite time to give me the silent treatment is when I’m right.

Me to my husband: Get away, you’re gross. Me to my cat: Of course you can sneeze in my face and rub your nose on my glasses.

couples don’t need couples therapy before they get married. they need to go to IKEA.

My wife said she’s in a bad mood but it’s not my fault so I’m taking this as a win.

90% of marriage is moving a new piece of furniture around the house all day until you find the perfect spot for it which is back at the store.