- I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. –Groucho Marx
- He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor
- I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long. –Mitch Hedberg
- Standing in the park today, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets…then it hit me. –Stewart Francis
- When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. –Rodney Dangerfield
- My husband can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house – he can’t stand the competition. –Phyllis Diller
- Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. –George Carlin
- There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count, and those who can’t. –Unknown
- I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it. –Jack Handey
- The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring. –Milton Berle
- I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge. –Robin Williams
- I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,’”but I don’t have that much time. –Stephen Wright
- Always remember my grandfather’s last words: “A truck!” –Emo Phillips
- Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones. –Joan Rivers
- If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker. –The Simpsons (1989)
- You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die. –Golden Girls
- If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer. –Friends
- “That’s the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.” –Seinfeld
- When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome. And then you spoke. –As Good as It Gets (1997)
- I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. –The Office
- Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the War Room! –Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
- I hope that someday you’ll know the indescribable joy of having children and of paying someone else to raise them. –The Addams Family
- Her lips said “No,” but her eyes said “read my lips.” –Frasier
- She thinks I’m too critical. That’s another fault of hers. –Arrested Development