I lived next to the same guy for 3 years. Thought his name was Steve. Called him Steve. His name is Steve in my phone. I’ve been to his place. We’ve had dinner. His name is Brian. His dog is Steve.

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

4yo, crying hot tears of frustration into her waffle: “I. DON’T. WANT. MORNING. AGAIN. Turn it off!”

Me ten years ago: one day I’ll find another fun-loving night owl and we’ll be the most exciting couple in town. Me to my husband just now: ok fine. We can go to bed at 7:30, I guess.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

i love when vets knock before they come into the room. like yes my dog is naked but she also arrived that way.

My kid got her half semester report card and it seems like extra math classes may be needed for me.

cars should have a mean horn and a nice horn.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.” They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

Learning that Paprika is just dried and crushed red bell peppers was really shocking. Like I dunno why I thought there was a Paprika tree somewhere.

Did you know, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid, that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords.

Mid 20s and single: This hotel has the best bar! Mid 30s with two kids: This hotel has the best pillows!!

The biggest thing about being in your 20s is that people in their 30s will, unprompted, say, “thank god i’m not in my 20s anymore,” and you just have to nod and be like haha ok.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams. Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams. Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

10s: [gets fishnet gloves with halloween witch costume] 20s: [buys fishnets for the club] 30s [uses fishnets to make thrifty produce bags] 40s Nets fish

In my 20s: Sad a boy I loved caused me heartache. In my 30s: Sad a food I loved caused me heartburn.

[covered in glitter] in my 20s: crazy night at the club in my 30s: craft night w/ my kids