Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween. Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

Our youngest made her own grilled cheese and, long story short, did you know that bread is flammable?

I wish my kids gave me the respect that they give their stuffed animals

Congratulations to my wife on the purchase of her one millionth candle.

[woman outside store] Her: I have two puppies for adoption, interested? Me: yes, but if I bring home another dog my husband will leave me Her: so both then?

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

My son called the butter shelf in the fridge the dairy penthouse and there is no other name for it now.