So glad I’m not repeating my parents mistakes. but I am making a whole bunch of fun new ones

I choked on some water earlier and during my coughing fit, my 4yo asked me to be quiet so he could hear the tv. It’s safe to say I should start saving for a nursing home now.

Watching a documentary on Ancient Egypt when my 5 y/o stops in front of the TV, drops her jaw and says, “THEY WROTE ON WALLS? You’re not supposed to write on walls!”

My toddler got a hold of the markers. I caught her red handed. Purple handed, too.

Taking a vacation with family is like having major surgery; I’m going to need at least 2-3 weeks of recovery.

Robber *breaks into my home: Give me all your money! Me *laughing: Listen buddy you’ve got to do better, I have kids who ask me that all the time.

School emails be like: Welcome to X Elementary! Your supply lists include everything you’ve already bought but in a different color. Our drop-off time is 8:24. Students arriving at 8:26 will be late. The PTA will need a donation equal to your mortgage. Welcome back!

My 2yo made it through a 2 hour drive, a 2 hour wait at the airport where he read a book quietly to himself, an hour flight where he happily watched Finding Nemo on silent, a bus ride where he laughed the whole time, and then screamed the entire 15 min drive home in our own car.

Parenting is having a phone contact list filled with names like “amy-baileysmom”.

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

Me: It’s such a great feeling to be so loved by my family. My 7yo: Daddy could you move over you’re sitting in my imaginary dog’s spot.