My husband went to bed early and said I could watch the next episode of our show without him and wow what a kind and selfless man who puts others before himself and…I’m now realizing that jerk watched that episode without me.

Why are threesomes only for sex? Why can’t I join in a couples argument if I want to?

my husband: so I meant to tell you [runs sink] [clashes plates while emptying dishwasher] [walks into the bathroom and closes the door] [comes back into the kitchen] what do you think?

How to Portion control your snacks. Eat them in the presence of a 3 year old. You’ll be lucky to get two bites.

My kid is literally eating dirt in the backyard but yea I’ll go ahead and triple-wash these grapes.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

One minute you’re excited that the kids are back in school and then 7 hours later you’re reading about a field trip that costs $140

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir? Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.

Was just petting my boyfriend’s dog and he said “I’m so glad you like her” and I was like “of course how could I not like her, she’s so cute” and my boyfriend was like “no I’m talking to my dog, it would be really awkward if my dog didn’t like you.”

Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me? Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball. Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

Husband has an appointment at 10:10. He got in the shower at 9:54. This is why I have anxiety

If you’re tired of being the first person to any party you should consider having kids.

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.