My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

I opened up emotionally to my husband and told him how long it’s been since the check engine light turned on.

Good news: Averaging 10K steps a day on my fitness tracker. Bad news: 7,000 of those steps involve wandering around the house looking for my wallet, glasses, or car keys.

In the year 2005, I asked her what was wrong and she still hasn’t finished.

No one wants your attention more than a kid in the back seat of a vehicle you’re driving while you’re trying to locate an address.

When your wife says “When you have a minute” it’s wise to drop whatever you’re doing and immediately have a minute.

My kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

Husband couldn’t find the step ladder this morning cause apparently in the basement 18 inches to the left of the bottom step leaning against the wall wasn’t descriptive enough.

“Push me more medium-er” -3yo, on a swing, dropping perhaps the most 3yo-like comment imaginable.

“We have to start taking our health seriously in this family” I say to my husband as I throw back a handful of vitamins with my giant glass of wine.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

[After dropping a container of blueberries all over the floor] 8 y/o: See! This is exactly why I wanted chips!

It’s so much easier to ignore my kids bickering when we’re on vacation because the crashing of the ocean waves drowns them out.

Pinterest activities for kids: 1 hour of set up 5 minutes of play 3 hours of cleanup

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game.

7: 3 is giving me the finger Me: he doesn’t know what that means 7: yes he does, I taught him.