Left the back door open at my friend’s house and her roomba escaped. Hope he goes on an adventure and cleans the whole world.

Love it when in-laws give advice on how to “raise a future adult.” Ma’am, I knew your son when he was 19. You might want to sit this one out.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course. My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction. She is the legend who shaped me.

Feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

Today, TWO people who I don’t really talk to that often each randomly crossed my mind, and then each reached out to me shortly after. Putting a lot of energy into thinking about Oscar Issac today.

Hanging out with other parents is basically just trying to one up each other on how tired you are

Do you guys think I could ask a girl I never talked to in college whether or not she broke up with her fiance, a guy i’ve never met? they haven’t been in photos together for a few months. what’s the etiquette here?

This man just paid for my stuff at the gas station and said happy Mother’s Day.. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t have kids…

I’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone.

If you’ve listened to a man speak for more than 30 minutes, you’re a mother.

“please see cashier” i’m gonna get in my car & find another gas station is what i’m gonna do.