I do not want to be on the computer … I want to be an elderly Mediterranean man who spends all day sitting outside a cafe and complaining with his friends.

School just sent a picture of all the kids playing dress up and my toddler under his blanket pretending to be asleep and I was like yep yep that is ABSOLUTELY my kid.

“Open This!” A game show where CEOs try to open the packaging that they sell.

Today my 5 year-old asked me which solar system Planet Fitness was in, and I had to leave the room.

My favourite thing is when I stay up too late and my dog passive aggressively puts herself to bed without me, like “YOU do what you want but SOME us have work in the morning.”

My toddler insisted he had to take off all his clothes to go into the “dressing” room. Solid logic, really.

Tried to type “neurodivergence” but of course my phone remembers that ONE time I typed NEURODEEZNUTS.

Was telling my kids how Netflix use to come in the mail and they didn’t get it “they emailed you the movie?” These people are our future, lord help us all.

I hate restaurants that won’t seat you unless your whole party is here!!! what r u gonna gain from making me stand awkwardly in the corner like why am I being punished for being on time.

Welcome to motherhood, where you wish the kids will want dad for once when they are upset so you can get a little break, and then when they want dad, your feelings get hurt and you don’t understand why they don’t want you.

Is your kid normal or did they climb out of their crib for the 1st time at 18mos, hide in a closet, wait silently for you to enter their room, and then let out a tiny giggle just moments before you had a heart attack?