Nothing is louder than what your spouse is watching in the other room.

Wife’s outta town and you know what that means… It means I don’t know where anything is or what’s going on.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

Are you a happily married person or did you just see the photo your husband took of you.

Husband: So you’re just gonna sit there staring at your phone? (Looks up from phone) Maybe later, I’m not hungry.

It appears my wife’s favorite time to give me the silent treatment is when I’m right.

Me to my husband: Get away, you’re gross. Me to my cat: Of course you can sneeze in my face and rub your nose on my glasses.

couples don’t need couples therapy before they get married. they need to go to IKEA.

My wife said she’s in a bad mood but it’s not my fault so I’m taking this as a win.

90% of marriage is moving a new piece of furniture around the house all day until you find the perfect spot for it which is back at the store.