My youngest boy fell over and cried and my daughter told him to stop behaving like he’s 4 and a half. They’re both 5.

My dog sighs a lot for somebody who doesn’t contribute to this house or know what a government is.

Stop Screaming! I screamed, in my gentlest parenting screaming voice.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions.

My favourite game to play at 1am is Why Is My Cat Wet.

A big thank you to all the kids who gave my son Valentine’s Day candy. I really enjoyed it!

The older I get, the more I feel everything my mom/grandmother used to say to me as a kid. Like not making extra stops on the way home. And watching your shows in peace. I tell my dog all the time “don’t come in here with all that noise”.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese? Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese. Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car.

4: Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese!

By age 30 you should have 7 gmail accounts, 4 inactive side twitters, an abandoned fanfiction dot net account, and an instagram with 2 pictures of your cat.

I jokingly asked my toddler where her off button is and she’s been walking around the house looking for it for the last 15 minutes, and now I’m mad at myself for not having thought of this sooner.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a romantic Valentine’s dinner we can all fight about 5th grade math homework and have macaroni and cheese again.