Parenting is a lot like talking to an automated phone attendant. You’re hopeful at first, but then just end up repeating yourself and yelling.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower.

My daughter wanted to play doctor’s office so I turned the ac to 60° and made her wait in her room for an hour and a half.

Area Dads want you to know that the drink you have sitting so close to your laptop is making them nervous.

My kid gets in more steps getting out of bed every night than I do all day.

I gave 14 a side hug in public yesterday and she said “You know, distance makes my heart grow fonder.” So today I’m going to yell “HUGS” from a distance when I drop her off with friends.

my 4yo likes to act like the food I cook is disgusting but he’s the one eating graham crackers dipped in watermelon juice.

6 is really into dinosaurs and he told me the other day I’m not allowed to play with his dinosaurs because i don’t know how to say the dinosaur names correctly. tough rules coming from a person who had a difficult time reading the word ARM the other day.

My 6 year old was quietly eating his cereal when he paused and said to no one, ‘I hope my sister isn’t a criminal when she grows up,’ and I feel like he summed up my parenting goals nicely.

my husband has been teaching my 3 year old about football but explaining that toys on the floor are maximizing zone coverage was a bit much.

Me to my child: Its not good to chew gum unless someones watching you closely. Child: Watch me closely! Me: ……….. …………. ….. . …. ………. ……no

6: So, you’ll never get taller? Me: Nope, I can’t grow taller- 6: Only fatter, right?

4, in an attempt to avoid bedtime, has come up with an adorable new excuse. Tonight from the monitor I heard this, “Momma, I’m having a bed party and you’re invited, when are you coming?”

My 6yo told me he won’t wear jeans because they’re grumpy and now he’s my life coach.

First you force your kids to be friends with your friends’ kids, then they force you to be friends with their friends’ parents. It’s play date pay back.

Nobody told me parenting would involve dumping out so many glasses of water.